Biological Vs. Adopted children
Ok, granted we've only had Arie home for a week, but I've noticed some differences that I think I could talk about. First of all, I am so blessed to have experienced both child-birth and adoption. They are both SOOO different with good and bad differences combined.
We are having so much fun with Arie. IF you have ever had a child, you know that it takes a little while to bond with them. You don't fall in love with them right off the bat. When I gave birth to Micah (my 2nd child) I was surprised that I wasn't crazy about him from the beginning. In fact, I didn't even think he was all that cute. Looking back at his pictures now, I don't know HOW I didn't think he was cute... he was adorable. But I just hadn't fallen in love with him yet. It took me by surprise. I remember being at the hospital and not really caring if he was in the nursery away from me. I was enjoying my quiet time in my hospital room watching t.v. And although I knew he should be next to me, I didnt' really care. Once we got home, it still took a week or two to fall in love. Nightly feedings are just a pain. And sleep deprivation is horrible.
Arie is my 3rd child, and luckily I knew what to expect. I knew that I wouldn't fall in love with him right off the bat... in fact, I know I'm almost there, but not 100% yet. He is beginning to smile a lot more now, and when I talk to him, he coo's back. So we are almost there.. almost completely in love with each other. Obviously he has to learn to love me too. After all, I am a stranger to him. He didn't get "referral pictures" of me, or health reports, etc. He knew nothing about me until we met in Korea.
During the adoption process I wondered if things would be different with Arie than they had been with my two bio. children. For example, when I would get spit-up on by my first two children it didn't really gross me out. Pee, poop, snot, vomit... as a mom, if it's YOUR OWN CHILD'S body fluid, somehow it's just not as gross as it would be if it were, say, your neighbors child's body fluid. Granted, it's always gross, but when it comes from your own flesh and blood... that you gave birth too... it's just not that bad. I honestly wondered how I would react, or how it would feel the first time Arie spit-up on me, or the first time he rubbed snot on my shirt. I can honestly say that it doesn't bother me any more than when Elaine and Micah did it. Yipee, right?? I'm sure you think this is just an entirely disgusting post. But my point is that I worried that I might have different feelings toward my new son. He didn't grow from me, and naturally that makes me question weather I would really, truly love him equal to his siblings.
I can feel the love for him growing now. Every morning I am more and more excited to see him and he is more and more excited to see me. He's been looking in my eyes more, smiling more, and seems to be adjusting well to our very loud/wild/crazy family. He is even starting to laugh out loud a little. He is becoming a member of our family, and it feels just as natural as it did with Elaine and Micah. I am learning his likes and dislikes, and learning what to do to make him happy. I think he is learning that finally, after four months... he has a mommy. I am so glad that God brought him into our lives.
We are having so much fun with Arie. IF you have ever had a child, you know that it takes a little while to bond with them. You don't fall in love with them right off the bat. When I gave birth to Micah (my 2nd child) I was surprised that I wasn't crazy about him from the beginning. In fact, I didn't even think he was all that cute. Looking back at his pictures now, I don't know HOW I didn't think he was cute... he was adorable. But I just hadn't fallen in love with him yet. It took me by surprise. I remember being at the hospital and not really caring if he was in the nursery away from me. I was enjoying my quiet time in my hospital room watching t.v. And although I knew he should be next to me, I didnt' really care. Once we got home, it still took a week or two to fall in love. Nightly feedings are just a pain. And sleep deprivation is horrible.
Arie is my 3rd child, and luckily I knew what to expect. I knew that I wouldn't fall in love with him right off the bat... in fact, I know I'm almost there, but not 100% yet. He is beginning to smile a lot more now, and when I talk to him, he coo's back. So we are almost there.. almost completely in love with each other. Obviously he has to learn to love me too. After all, I am a stranger to him. He didn't get "referral pictures" of me, or health reports, etc. He knew nothing about me until we met in Korea.
During the adoption process I wondered if things would be different with Arie than they had been with my two bio. children. For example, when I would get spit-up on by my first two children it didn't really gross me out. Pee, poop, snot, vomit... as a mom, if it's YOUR OWN CHILD'S body fluid, somehow it's just not as gross as it would be if it were, say, your neighbors child's body fluid. Granted, it's always gross, but when it comes from your own flesh and blood... that you gave birth too... it's just not that bad. I honestly wondered how I would react, or how it would feel the first time Arie spit-up on me, or the first time he rubbed snot on my shirt. I can honestly say that it doesn't bother me any more than when Elaine and Micah did it. Yipee, right?? I'm sure you think this is just an entirely disgusting post. But my point is that I worried that I might have different feelings toward my new son. He didn't grow from me, and naturally that makes me question weather I would really, truly love him equal to his siblings.
I can feel the love for him growing now. Every morning I am more and more excited to see him and he is more and more excited to see me. He's been looking in my eyes more, smiling more, and seems to be adjusting well to our very loud/wild/crazy family. He is even starting to laugh out loud a little. He is becoming a member of our family, and it feels just as natural as it did with Elaine and Micah. I am learning his likes and dislikes, and learning what to do to make him happy. I think he is learning that finally, after four months... he has a mommy. I am so glad that God brought him into our lives.
posted by Ryan | 9/28/2006 02:39:00 PM
4 Comments:
I've been away all week so I'm just now getting caught up! I love all your pics and updates!!!
I think bonding is different for everyone regardless of bio or adoption. Obviously all of my children are adopted but I bonded differently with each of them. I am a newborn fanatic. I think I could fall in love with any newborn you put in my arms and tell me is mine. With my oldest it was honestly immediate. I watched her come into this world and the bond was really instantaneous! Our second child to come to our family was Gracie. I was not there for her birth. I did not get to be involved in the pregnancy at all like I did with my first so it was a bit different but much quicker than many would expect as well. It was when we got her home and I spent a few hours alone with her that I fell madly in love with her. So it was pretty instant as well. Our third child came to us at 3 1/2 years old and it saddens me but the bond was not and still is not 100%. It has been a little over 2 years since he came into our lives and although I love him beyond words it has just been different with him. It is coming and I feel it will get there but it is much much harder for me to bond with an older child than an infant.
Sorry I didn't mean to ramble on your blog! LOL!!! I got a bit carried away there!
I just found your blog from the CHSFS website.
We are adopting from Ethiopia and have 5 bio kids. We are waiting for a referral.
I appreciate your honesty. Some of the questions you pondered prior to adoption, I have wondered about too.
Thanks for sharing.
I have two bio kids (2 1/2 yr old son and 6 month old daughter). We will be adopting when my daughter is around 2 yrs old. I loved both my kids instantly and know what it is like to be pregnant and give birth to a child. Sometimes I wonder if I will feel the same love and commitment to an adopted child, because my love for my children grew as they grew inside me and we won't have that with an adopted child. We want to adopt from the East and I sometimes wonder if I'll be able to look past the differences between us and just see my child without seeing her race as well. You are very honest in your post and I commend you for it.
I don't like to think that God has anything to do with adoption because then it means that HE has everything to do with the pain and grief that mothers like me feel about losing our children to adoption.
I think you are a beautiful family and I am glad he is safe with you but I will never say that it's God's will to seperate a mother and child.
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