The truth.
I haven't really written much on here recently. I'm so OVERWHELMED a lot of the time... UGH! But there are a few important things that I wanted to touch base on.
First off, Arie is wonderful. We are becoming closer and closer each day. Recently, however, I have admitted to myself that the mommy/love feelings I have toward him aren't the same as they were to Elaine and Micah. It's a hard thing to admit, but it's true. I have been struggling with this for a couple weeks now, and beating myself up over it. He has been home two months (almost)... how long does it take? I have learned that after adopting a baby, it's very easy to "pretend" to people that everything is perfect. We've waited SO LONG for this little life to enter our home, complained, whined, and worried. And now that he's here, everything should be wonderful, right? I think that I expected it to be wonderful. But worse than that, I wanted everyone else to think it's wonderful. So I put on a smile when I was out, and then I would come home and be miserable.
Last Thursday Ben left for 4 days. It was so hard doing everything by myself, and on Sunday I finally lost it. I laid down on the floor and let all of the emotion come out... I sobbed. Arie was in the other room crying (as he does when not being held), Micah was napping, and Elaine was sitting in front of the t.v. Something she has been doing way too much of recently. Anyway, as I was crying I was thinking to myself... maybe adoption isn't such a good thing. There are MANY people against adoption... adoptee's, first-mom's, and even some adoptive parents. The argument is that everything should be done to keep the baby with his biological family. I agree with this up to a point, but there is a limit, in my mind, of what is an acceptable environment for a child to grow up in. So I'm not entirely for that argument, but I understand it. Anyway, one of the points in favor of the argument is that a baby NEEDS his biological mother because he will never bond with an adoptive mother the same way, and the adoptive mother can't possible ever really love the adopted child as she would love her own offspring (according to the anti-adoption supporters). Well, I've never believed that. Ever. But I have to tell you, the other day when I was on the floor I thought to myself that maybe... just maybe... they were right. Maybe I won't ever love him the same. Maybe he will never love me like he would have loved his first-mom. I can't stop thinking about his first-mom. And I really was feeling so much guilt over his adoption. Part of me feels like I took him away from her. I KNOW I took him away from Korea, which is so terribly sad in itself. Will he resent me for it? Will he respect me for it? Will he be happy that he grew up in a stable environment or will he wish that he had just stayed in Korea... regardless of the conditions in his family and around him? Will his first-mom ever try to find him? Will he ever try to find her? I honestly WANT him to find her one day. I fear that she will be "un-findable", or that he won't have an interest. I feel guilty that I can't send her pictures or updates or (when he's old enough) art work and Mother's Day gifts. My heart is broken for her. And somehow, I feel it's my fault. Did she really relinquish him for adoption on her own terms or was she pressured by family and her culture?
So there I lay. All of this is going through my head. And that is only the tip of the iceberg. I read so many blogs and forums of Korean adoptees that feel like they were either discarded by Korea or feel they were an "item" that was simply bought by rich white parents. Will Arie feel like that? What can I do to prevent that? Is it possible to prevent that? So I continue to read. I think that's all I can do.
After my "breakdown", I started opening up to my friends and family. Some of the other adoptive mothers I've talked to have told me I'm expecting too much of myself. That bonding with an adopted child (or even a biological child) can take months sometimes. So I've listened to them and decided to lighten up a little and quit putting on this "show" of happiness... for others and for myself. After letting all of the feelings out on Sunday, I've felt so much better. The guilt I've been feeling has subsided some, and I've accepted the fact that it will take time to attach to Arie the way I did with Elaine and Micah. When you're pregnant with a child, you feel them grow, kick and live inside of you. Then they are born and your body produces hormomes to help you bond, nursing a baby is also set up to help you bond. When you adopt a baby, none of those things happen. On top of that, Arie is a difficult baby. He doesn't sleep well, he doesn't eat well, and he is fussy. Elaine and Micah were A CAKE WALK in comparison. I know now that our relationship will strengthen... but it will take time. I also know, now, that I need to just step away from those guilty feelings, and quit worrying so much about Arie's feelings 18 years from now. I need to keep telling myself that right now, in this moment, he is only a baby who needs nurturing... he is not a teenager trying to find his place in the world. I know that will come one day, so I'm going to enjoy the here and now before it passes me by.
Adoption has many different sides... some good some bad, and some horrible. There is coercion, pressure, lying, greed, anger, hate, and envy all rolled into adoption. I don't want to pretend that ever adoption story is wonderful... or a win-win situation. That's not always the case. If you read my blog, then you have an interest in adoption and I want you to see all sides of it. I don't personally believe that Arie's first-mom was coerced or forced to relinquish him, but it does happen, and although many first-mom's DO chose to relinquish their babies, they don't just forget about them and move on. They hurt for their entire life and always feel an emptiness... that is one thing I have learned from all of my reading, and easing that pain is one thing I hope Arie chooses to do for his first-mom in the future.
Here is a list of blogs written by adoptee's and first-mom's. They are packed with true honest feelings about how adoption has changed their lives. They also give me a glimpse into what Arie's first-mom may be feeling and what Arie may feel as an adult.
Twice The Rice (Korean Asdoptee)
Harlow's Monkey (Korean Adoptee)
This Should Go Somewhere (Korean Adoptee)
Ethnically Incorrect Daughter (Transracial Adoptee)
Jane Ellen (Adoptee)
Reunion Writings (First-Mom)
Writing My Wrongs (First Mom)
Birth Mother of Adopted (First Mom)
Screams in the Dark (First Mom)
First off, Arie is wonderful. We are becoming closer and closer each day. Recently, however, I have admitted to myself that the mommy/love feelings I have toward him aren't the same as they were to Elaine and Micah. It's a hard thing to admit, but it's true. I have been struggling with this for a couple weeks now, and beating myself up over it. He has been home two months (almost)... how long does it take? I have learned that after adopting a baby, it's very easy to "pretend" to people that everything is perfect. We've waited SO LONG for this little life to enter our home, complained, whined, and worried. And now that he's here, everything should be wonderful, right? I think that I expected it to be wonderful. But worse than that, I wanted everyone else to think it's wonderful. So I put on a smile when I was out, and then I would come home and be miserable.
Last Thursday Ben left for 4 days. It was so hard doing everything by myself, and on Sunday I finally lost it. I laid down on the floor and let all of the emotion come out... I sobbed. Arie was in the other room crying (as he does when not being held), Micah was napping, and Elaine was sitting in front of the t.v. Something she has been doing way too much of recently. Anyway, as I was crying I was thinking to myself... maybe adoption isn't such a good thing. There are MANY people against adoption... adoptee's, first-mom's, and even some adoptive parents. The argument is that everything should be done to keep the baby with his biological family. I agree with this up to a point, but there is a limit, in my mind, of what is an acceptable environment for a child to grow up in. So I'm not entirely for that argument, but I understand it. Anyway, one of the points in favor of the argument is that a baby NEEDS his biological mother because he will never bond with an adoptive mother the same way, and the adoptive mother can't possible ever really love the adopted child as she would love her own offspring (according to the anti-adoption supporters). Well, I've never believed that. Ever. But I have to tell you, the other day when I was on the floor I thought to myself that maybe... just maybe... they were right. Maybe I won't ever love him the same. Maybe he will never love me like he would have loved his first-mom. I can't stop thinking about his first-mom. And I really was feeling so much guilt over his adoption. Part of me feels like I took him away from her. I KNOW I took him away from Korea, which is so terribly sad in itself. Will he resent me for it? Will he respect me for it? Will he be happy that he grew up in a stable environment or will he wish that he had just stayed in Korea... regardless of the conditions in his family and around him? Will his first-mom ever try to find him? Will he ever try to find her? I honestly WANT him to find her one day. I fear that she will be "un-findable", or that he won't have an interest. I feel guilty that I can't send her pictures or updates or (when he's old enough) art work and Mother's Day gifts. My heart is broken for her. And somehow, I feel it's my fault. Did she really relinquish him for adoption on her own terms or was she pressured by family and her culture?
So there I lay. All of this is going through my head. And that is only the tip of the iceberg. I read so many blogs and forums of Korean adoptees that feel like they were either discarded by Korea or feel they were an "item" that was simply bought by rich white parents. Will Arie feel like that? What can I do to prevent that? Is it possible to prevent that? So I continue to read. I think that's all I can do.
After my "breakdown", I started opening up to my friends and family. Some of the other adoptive mothers I've talked to have told me I'm expecting too much of myself. That bonding with an adopted child (or even a biological child) can take months sometimes. So I've listened to them and decided to lighten up a little and quit putting on this "show" of happiness... for others and for myself. After letting all of the feelings out on Sunday, I've felt so much better. The guilt I've been feeling has subsided some, and I've accepted the fact that it will take time to attach to Arie the way I did with Elaine and Micah. When you're pregnant with a child, you feel them grow, kick and live inside of you. Then they are born and your body produces hormomes to help you bond, nursing a baby is also set up to help you bond. When you adopt a baby, none of those things happen. On top of that, Arie is a difficult baby. He doesn't sleep well, he doesn't eat well, and he is fussy. Elaine and Micah were A CAKE WALK in comparison. I know now that our relationship will strengthen... but it will take time. I also know, now, that I need to just step away from those guilty feelings, and quit worrying so much about Arie's feelings 18 years from now. I need to keep telling myself that right now, in this moment, he is only a baby who needs nurturing... he is not a teenager trying to find his place in the world. I know that will come one day, so I'm going to enjoy the here and now before it passes me by.
Adoption has many different sides... some good some bad, and some horrible. There is coercion, pressure, lying, greed, anger, hate, and envy all rolled into adoption. I don't want to pretend that ever adoption story is wonderful... or a win-win situation. That's not always the case. If you read my blog, then you have an interest in adoption and I want you to see all sides of it. I don't personally believe that Arie's first-mom was coerced or forced to relinquish him, but it does happen, and although many first-mom's DO chose to relinquish their babies, they don't just forget about them and move on. They hurt for their entire life and always feel an emptiness... that is one thing I have learned from all of my reading, and easing that pain is one thing I hope Arie chooses to do for his first-mom in the future.
Here is a list of blogs written by adoptee's and first-mom's. They are packed with true honest feelings about how adoption has changed their lives. They also give me a glimpse into what Arie's first-mom may be feeling and what Arie may feel as an adult.
Twice The Rice (Korean Asdoptee)
Harlow's Monkey (Korean Adoptee)
This Should Go Somewhere (Korean Adoptee)
Ethnically Incorrect Daughter (Transracial Adoptee)
Jane Ellen (Adoptee)
Reunion Writings (First-Mom)
Writing My Wrongs (First Mom)
Birth Mother of Adopted (First Mom)
Screams in the Dark (First Mom)
posted by Ryan | 11/09/2006 02:47:00 PM
8 Comments:
Good for you to admit your true feelings! Don't sell your feelings short. Remember, you had 9 months to bond with your birth children before you ever saw them. It will just take time. My child's father is adopted and he says he feels just as loved and secure as his biological brother. I hope this helps you. Good luck!
I really know how you are feeling. It is a little different because all of my children are adopted and I don't have a biological child to compare to. I do however have very different adoption situations and I can honestly say that I bonded immediately with the girls (they were newborn.) For me I think the newborn issue made all the difference. My son was 3 1/2 years old when he came home to us. He had issues and it was not easy. He had a history and I didn't feel like his mother. It has been a little over 2 years now and I can honestly say that the bond is growing but it is still not as strong as it is with the girls. That saddens me and I hate admitting it but it is the truth. So I'm wondering if because you other children are biological that your thinking that has something to do with it when it could perhaps have more to do with the fact he Arie wasn't newborn (although tiny) and came with difficult baby issues? I could be wrong but I was just wondering? I only ask because all my children are adopted and I had very different bonding experiences.
It's okay to admit it is not all sunshine and roses. Another thing you might want to take into consideration is that going from 2 children to 3 makes a huge difference. Plus your two youngest are both very young. It is a lot of work. That could also be playing into the way you are feeling. Take it one step at a time. You are doing okay. I know what you mean though about the guilt because I still experience that. Hang in there! You are doing a great job! Arie will love you I have no doubt!
Ryan, the first thing I would say is that you must be EXHAUSTED - that in and of itself it hard. Don't beat yourself up!
Also, what you're feeling is part of the experience of adoption. We go into it with only as much information as we can gather, and we continue to learn along the way. With the internet we have an ever-greater opportunity to listen to the voices of the first mothers and adoptees who were hurt by adoption, and it's bound to have an impact on us. And it should.
But the one thing to remember is that we made the decision and now have a responsibility to do the best we can for our kids. I know from your incredible commitment to supporting Arie's culture that you will get through the feelings that are causing such pain now, and you will be a wonderful mom for him.
We have no crystal ball to tell us how our kids will feel about adoption once they're grown. So we do all we can to support them in every way, by nurturing their ethnic and racial identity, by protecting whatever information we have about their first families, by being in tune with them when they seem to be struggling.
And we speak out however we can. We do our best with eyes wide open, it's all that can be expected of anyone.
Take care :)
I'm so sorry that you feel this way, and I wish I had words of wisdom for you. The only thing I can say is that my husband felt second best in his family towards his brother who was his parents biological child. Dh's story is very complicated, and I don't have his blessing to share it with you. But what I do know is that he truly knows he was given a better chance at life by being adtoped than remaining in Korea as an orphan. Yes, his childhood was difficult growing up in a all white home, where he felt second best to his brother, but he has also learned to not mourn something he's never known as well.
A family saying we have is, "the grass may look greener on the other side, but it's usually harder to mow".
Ryan, you are in my prayers. Give it time, you and Arie are just trying to figure one another out. You are all he's got right now and he needs you. You are a wonderful mother to all your children. (((((HUGS)))))
I don't see why you would have exactly the same feelings for him as you do to your other children, all the guilt and other feelings that come with adoption must be there.
With reunion all these people kept saying how wonderful it was but I fetl all kinds of feelings, a lot of them grief and anger and stress and bewilderment as well as joy.
Just have your own relationship with him, don't compare it to anyone else's, just develop your own unique bond with him. It doesn't have to be more or less than what you have with anybody else, it's not something to compare, it's unique and therefore can't be compared.
It's good to be open about these feelings there are so many myths with adoption, it's good to hear some truth, somehow it's comforting.
Thanks for linking my blog too, that's really nice of you to do that.
nice post. i enjoyed reading it. i was happy to see a great deal of truth and honest in your feelings and i think that will go a long way to your building a relationship with arie.
and yeah, thanks for the link!
Giving all of this thought is SO much better than sweeping it under the rug like it doesn't exist. It may be difficult to work through but the benefits for you AND your children will be worth the effort.
I would like to add you to my links. Have a good day Ryan!
I didn't like Kate for at least 6 months after she was born. I know that sounds awful, but it's really, truly true. She was a REALLY difficult baby. I used to just cry and thought I was crazy for wanting a baby so much b/c I obviously was not a good mother for feeling that way. Anyways, TOTALLY different with Beckett. Loved him the minute his 10 lb. body tore mine apart and he entered this world! ( : I love my kids both so much, but sooo differently. By the way, Kate's the GREATEST 2yr. old ever. I think she got it all out of her system in the first year! LOL! Hang in there. It hasn't been even a few months yet! Amy
Post a Comment
<< Home