A "first-mother" or the "only" mother?

I worked today... it was one of the hardest days in my career so far.

There was a mother (who was not my patient) that delivered her baby and had every intention of "placing" her baby for adoption. I use the word "place" because, simply, there are no good words. "Place", "give up", "relinquish"... does it really make a difference? They are all equally tragic, and honestly I don't think any of the words make a difference. Adoption for all first-mothers is a horrible situation. Anyway, because of the typical reasons, i.e. finances and social pressure, she thought she had decided to go ahead with the adoption.

Once that baby was born, however, things quickly started to change. Originally the mother had no desire to see the baby or even hold it. This was eating me up inside and I honestly couldn't stand the thought of her not seeing her baby. I KNEW that she would regret that decision. As they say, you can't say "goodbye" until you've said "hello". Well, after most of the day, the mother and the father finally decided to just look at the baby but not hold it. Naturally (and when I say NATURALLY I mean it in this case as there is a physiological link between mother and child) after she laid eyes on her brand new child, she wanted to hold it. Thankfully she had a very good nurse who brought the baby to her room, and the three of them (mom dad and baby) had alone time together.

I sat at the nurses station all day today fretting about that mother and her baby. I really wanted to go into her room and talk with her and shake her by her shoulders and tell her "YOU CAN KEEP THIS BABY! THERE ARE WAYS!!" But as a nurse, it wasn't my place... in fact, it could have damaged my career. Regardless of my opinion on what she should do (and my desire to inform her of my opinion), I made it my mission to educate my co-workers and all I have learned from the many first-mothers I have encountered, with #1 being: Many first-mothers would have kept their babies IF they had been informed of the services, resources, and support that is available, AND if they had been given a little encouragement.

As I was reading about adoption in my state, I came across a pamphlet put out by the Department of Social Services. It stated in it (paraphrasing) that the "birth-mother MUST be informed of" available resources, and alternatives to adoption. And that "anyone" can provide this information. I later encountered another nurse who had a very different opinion and felt that "the birth-mother obviously didn't care about the baby because she didn't have pre-natal care", and that if she did care about her baby she would have done everything she could have for that baby. Let me tell you, I would have spit nails if I could have. She went on to say that she has never met a birth-mother who regretted her decision, and cited some study (anyone know what this is?) where first-mothers were followed after placing their babies for adoption and they were doing fine with no regrets. I find that hard to believe, but I have no idea what she was talking about. I informed her that I know of MANY first-mothers who just WISHED that one person would have been in their corner to help them out... and as a nurse it's up to us to educate our patients and help them make informed choices.

Fast forward a couple of hours... I've now met the adoptive parents (very nice, but also very scared as can be expected) and I've seen the sweet baby. The first-mom is beginning to waiver in her "decision" and is now expressing her feelings to her nurse... social pressure, money, hurting the adoptive parents feelings, etc. I hurt for her, and was so sad to think of that baby sitting in the nursery all day by itself. It breaks my heart.

As I left today, I was torn. Should I pop into the patients room and talk with her? Should I just stay out of it? Should I talk to the social worker? I ultimately decided that it wasn't my place. I had advocated for her and her baby and tried to make sure that my co-workers saw both sides of adoption, not just the "win-win" situation that I have learned adoption ISN'T. I clocked out and walked out the front door of the hospital.

And guess who walked right by me? The first-mom and dad. I felt a rush out nervousness. All day I wanted to pass her in the hall and talk with her but I never had the opportunity. It was my chance. But I kept walking in the opposite direction, away from her (after all she had no clue who I was). It came down to my career or that family. I weighed the choices for about 20 steps, and then I turned around and went after them. I decided I would put my career on the line and just ask her one question: "What do YOU want to do? If there were no adoptive parents, if you take away the social pressures, and if resources were available, WHAT WOULD YOU CHOOSE TO DO???". I never got to ask them though because I wasn't able to find them. I feel like a failure. I KNOW that they would have chosen to parent if someone jsut asked them to block out all the crap and focus on their own selves. I wanted to tell them that if they decided to parent the baby, the "social pressures" would fade after a couple of months and the potential adoptive parents would be sad but they would move on. If they decided to place the baby, they may regret it for the rest of their lives, and they would ALWAYS feel that pain, as would their child. OH I WISH I COULD HAVE TALKED TO THEM. I am so disappointed in myself. When I look at Arie I am so saddened because I know that he will always be hurt. There is a part of him that I will never be able to heal. I wish I could take that pain away from him, but I can't. I COULD have tried harder to prevent this baby from feeling that pain.

I got in my car and cried for that family. I prayed for them. I prayed that the mother would listen to her heart and do what is right for HER and her family, without worrying about other peoples feelings and opinions. I can only hope that I said something today that will go from the minds of our nurses out of their mouths and into the mind of that mother.